It is with great joy that I give this testimony about what the Lord Jesus has done in my life. How appropriate that on the night of new beginnings, 08/08/08 he gave me the greatest gift of all, deliverance from more than 20 years of bondage and addictions, and a way of thinking that not only caused pain to me, and threatened to destroy me, but caused pain to those around me.

Although I did not want to make this a long testimony, I thought the impact of what Jesus has done for me, might be best explained if I went back to where the root of my angst and captivity began.

As far back as I can remember, there was always stress, distress and misfortune in my household.

My mum clung to God through the Jehovah’s Witnesses and although she did her best to raise us correctly, my father was unable to assist her, as he was someone that did not adapt well to reality. He put his needs and wants first, smoking, drinking, and the violence that came from his resentment and anger at the way his life was. My mum tried to remind him of his responsibilities as a husband and father, but that just made matters worse.

As a result of this I drew further and further into myself. Over the years I found that I took on a lot of the characteristics of my dad, and praise god some of the virtues of my mum. Like my father, I had a distorted view of reality. I could never keep anything or learn to value anything, If I created something I would destroy it, I took solace in temporary pleasures such as video games, comic books and isolating myself from everyone, by hiding in my room.

I have a brother and two sisters, they seemed to be able to find outlets to deal with there angst, but I delved more into things which where poisonous. The greatest danger came with adulthood; I began to gamble…a lot! I would create systems to try to win first at pokies and then keno and tatts lotto.  There was not a day that would go by that I could not get numbers out of my head, I also dabbled in a lot of visual stimuli like porn and lusting after women, thank God I never had enough money to keep visiting brothels, God only knows how deadly that may have turned out to be. I also drank heavily for a while but thank God that was a pastime that I could not afford either.

My deepest desire was to have money so I could escape from everyone and everything, so that I could no longer be judged, condemned, ridiculed or persecuted. I wanted to create my own world where I could play and interact with people as I saw fit. I did not want my space intruded upon ever again; I guess that is why I spent most of my life hiding. Sooner or later the responsibilities of the world would call me to be accountable again.

I reached a point in my life where I was driving cabs for a living, during my 5 years as a cab driver, there where times where I was suicidal, I was depressed and frustrated that I had put on an enormous amount of weight and as the bible would say my countenance was low. However during that time a miracle happened, I met my wife.

For the first time I found someone who actually loved me completely and unconditionally, I found someone who I could allow myself to be intimate with, mind you although enjoyable, intimacy scared me to death, my wife was the only woman who could truly get past all my defences. This one woman whom I believe God gave to me, even undeserving as I may have been, descended into my own personal pit and stayed with me.

My wife put up with more than ten years of anger, ten years of resentment, years of frustration, at me not being able to change my thinking, about life, money and responsibility. I even attempted suicide and she stuck by me. Her increasing faith in God and her love for me caused her to push in, even when I tried to push her away, she persisted, because she saw in me a servant of the lord, an evangelist, a preacher, a man of compassion with a heart for people. She could see how the enemy pursued me, because deep down she has always known, I have a love for God that burns like the sun.

The final leg of this testimony comes when we needed a place to stay, we had moved around a bit and where in need of accommodation. My brothers house had been  unrented for several years, and he offered it to us at a reasonable rate. We had hoped to be there temporarily. However, my inability to maintain long term employment kicked in, and we fell behind in the rent.

More recently my brother offered me a solution to this. I worked with him in his business, and had the freedom I needed to be able to pay the rent, and what we owed him. Bev and I felt this was from God as my brother and I needed to reconcile, and get to know each other better. I have always felt he did not understand me.

Not long after this Bev, happened to see that Catch the Fire was in Hallam. She started to go with some friends at first, and then one night she and I had the biggest conflict, as she was trying to encourage me to go. When I’m not in the right frame of mind, praise and worship sounds like loud noise, and the conviction of the Holy Spirit weighs heavily upon me. That night she had tears in her eyes, and looking back I believe a major spiritual battle occurred for my soul, I believe going to Hallam was a major turning point, uncomfortable even though it was for my flesh, my spirit needed it.

We felt the lord had put it on our hearts to move to Queensland. A disagreement with my brother ensued about this. He told me that it was a big mistake, that it was his dream to work with me, and he believed I was making the same mistake as my father, when he left his brother, who was doing his best to help him and his family. I explained my reasons for leaving but he said

“You’re going to go there, get broke and come home with nothing. You have failure written in your DNA. You’re your father’s son, you look like him and you act like him, you’re going to fail”.

He also disrespected Bev; he said  “She’s only thinking of herself”.

“You have failure written in your DNA”

I never thought anything could affect me as profoundly as those words. They hung like a millstone around my neck. For two nights I had murder in my heart and violence on my mind. I can honestly say I wanted to kill my brother.

08/08/08 – What a momentous day, I arrived at church with my mind totally closed off from any kind of praise and worship for God. All I could focus on was anger. A few minutes after we arrived Pastor Danny said, the Lord wants to take the stress away from you. All those with stress come forward. He talked about how when you pray, stress has no power over you, when you read the word stress has no power over you, and when you praise and worship the Lord, stress can’t affect you. Yes pastor Danny I do listen when you preach!

I sang, praised and worshiped the Lord, a little on remote control at first, but I think my spirit was open. I wish I could remember what song it was, but during the singing I suddenly felt like I could actually breath. In one single moment my lungs filled with air and it was like I woke up from a bad dream, the power of the words my brother spoke over me, was no more.

The most interesting thing about this was that during the rest of the night, I felt that not only was the power of cursed words broken, but I had realized that when Jesus took away my stress, he also took away the cause of stress. For the first time in more than twenty years I don’t think about gambling everyday, I don’t worry about money, I am eager to embrace responsibility, and embrace a life with my wife.  Most importantly, the only thing I can think about,  is Jesus, Jesus and Jesus, he occupies my mind 24/7.

I don’t need visual stimuli anymore, I don’t need the approval of man anymore. God has  healed my self esteem issues. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel like parts of me are frozen in time, I know the lord has taken every painful moment from my life, and removed the event from my heart. I know the lord has put me back together. I am whole and all the years I’ve lost have been restored to me.

For the first time I understand that when you know Jesus, you know yourself.

This is my favourite scripture.

Isaiah 1:18
“Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.

I now know, that the Lord is able to do all things, for he can bring bread forth from stone, he can bring water forth from barren places, he can cause the deepest pain to turn to joy.

Nothing is impossible for God!

The revival in Hallam has been all that we could hope for. To watch Danny and Jason working through the Holy Spirit has been inspirational. To see the healings signs and wonders manifested in this place, has truly cemented our faith.

With deepest love and blessings

Jim

P.S. Jason was evangelising one night, and I whispered to Bev,”Jason left the stage about 10 minutes ago, that’s Jesus up there!”